The Importance of “Self” in a Leader
We often say that Christian leaders ought to be selfless. But have we considered what we mean by this word? Is it possible for a leader be self-ish without being selfish?One of the most thought-provoking books on leadership I’ve read in the past 12 months is Edwin H. Friedman’s A Failure of Nerve. (I give a brief video summary of this book here.) Friedman, who died in 1996, was a Jewish Rabbi, a family therapist, and a leadership consultant. His take on leadership is interesting, intriguing, and nuanced.Friedman discerned in American culture a “systemic anxiety” which subtly works to destabilize leaders and undermine their leadership. One of the ways this anxiety manifests itself is in “the association of self with autocracy and narcissism rather than with integrity and individuality.” Friedman explains:
I think Friedman is onto something here. At the risk of over-simplifying his insights, I seem him proposing a “third way” of understanding self. We are often pressured to embrace a binary choice: either the self or the community, either individuality or togetherness, either me or us. When faced with this binary choice, choosing “self” is always a choice against community, against togetherness, against “us.” But this binary choice is a fallacy. In reality there are three options:No sense of self Well-differentiated self Selfishness/autocracy(all us, no me) (me, for the sake of us) (all me, no us)I’m especially convinced of Friedman’s point that “Well-defined self in a leader… is most likely to promote the kind of community that preserves the self of its members.”So, leaders: do you understand the difference between self and selfishness? Are you growing in having a well-defined presence, yet without selfishness and self-will?(As a gospel aside: learning this will likely involve some mistakes and over-corrections. That’s why you’ll need to continually return to the gospel. You’ll likely fail by being autocratic, harsh, and inflexible (selfish). Or, you’ll fail by being unprincipled, soft, and passive (self-less). Continual repentance and faith, strengthened by the grace of God in Jesus, will be necessary.)In summary, Christian leaders should be selfless… but not self-less. What new insights does this discussion give you? What questions does it raise?